Why I don't watch the Premiership

The short answer: I’m Italian.

The long(er) answer: Here in Canada, basic cable subscribers like me get two Premiership games a week. The first is shown on Saturday morning on Rogers Sportsnet. The second game is shown Sunday morning on The Score.

Us basic cable types rarely get a chance to see any of the big teams. Last week, for example, neither network aired the Manchester United vs. Chelsea showdown. And I really am not interested in watching Fulham every week. Who gives a shit about Fulham? Fulham fans, probably, which only hammers my point home further. (Not that I have any idea what Fulham fans are all about, mind you. I already told you: I DON'T WATCH THE PREMIERSHIP.)

On the other hand, I get three quality Serie A matches a week from TLN, a shoestring Toronto-based network that, based on the commercials aired at half-time, shows nothing but soccer, The Sopranos and The Godfather Parts I, II & III. (Did you know the third one sucks? It really, really does. The part when Sophia Coppola dies is hilarious.) All three TLN games are shown Sunday. Only one of them is live (usually the 2:30 p.m. “prime time” match). The first match, typically aired at 9 a.m., is usually a replay of a Saturday game and the 11 a.m. match is usually a replay of something that was played at 9. Confused yet? If you are, you're stupid.

On TLN, I get to see the big clubs—Juve, Inter, Roma, Milan—week in and week out. (Some fans of lesser sides might complain that the Regginas and Livornos don’t get enough air time, but really, who the fuck likes Reggina or Livorno anyway? They're like the Fulhams of Italian soccer, but with more attractive female supporters.)

I wonder how long this whole TLN thing will last. It seems only a matter of time before some specialty channel buys all the rights to Serie A games and guys like me are left in the dark. I guess I’ll just have to shill out more cash if I want to keep following this game. And I suppose that if I do end up paying for the specialty channels, I may give English soccer a try. But, as a matter of principal, I won't enjoy it.